I keep typing sentences and deleting them. As I keep doing this over and over it really occurs to me that I don’t know how to express myself anymore. It shouldn’t be this hard, but it is. The past month I’ve been holding on to things because it hurts too bad to let them out, and in a way I don’t want to let them out. On the 14th of August, my aunt who had been suffering from cancer many years passed away. I and most of her close friends were with her. I got to tell her that I loved her, hold her hand and make peace with her circumstances. I don’t think that many people can say that.
My aunt and I weren’t very close until the past 3 years or so (she lived 4 hours away). My uncle died in 2002 and she started spending holidays with us. All I can think of now is that our house is going to feel so empty when Thanksgiving gets here. It hurts me so much that I don’t want November to get here. I want to rewind to shopping all day on the day after Thanksgiving, the kitchen the was always too crowded with 4 cooks, talking and drinking coffee all day. She’s gone but I will still be expecting her. In a way, I don’t ever want to get used to holidays without her because I want to remember those times so vividly.
That’s all I have. There is so much more I could fill up this entry with but they would just be words. She and her life were beyond words. She touched everyone she ever came in contact with and she smiled through the hardest and most painful days of her life. She is truely where she belongs now and no matter who you are, if you knew Peggy – you believed that too.
